Depression has been a lot. I've been incredibly drained, and it's taken me about 3 years to get to the point of having the energy to venture back into my biggest passion. I've had to rebuild myself, find my triggers, work through them, balance my energy and try to find my way back into normal life alongside it. Fortunately, despite the frequent bouts of intense darkness, it is going well. I see it, others see it, and it feels amazing to be beating it into submission like this.
I'm back to working frequently on writing.
Book planning is going well and is almost finished, it's just the last few details that keep tripping me up. As soon as I think I'm almost ready to start writing, something else pops up. Details that need establishing so I know where their markers are in the story. I could start without them and hope they fall into place, but my mind doesn't work that way, and given how tired I am and how short my attention span is, I can't take that chance. So I need the plan, in full, before I could begin. The bright side there, though, is that when I do start writing, it should happen quickly and I'll have a big elaborate story to share with you all in a much shorter span of time.
I'm also getting ideas again for short stories. I've written a couple of origin stories, and others are fleshed out enough in my mind that I can work on as if they had also been written (they haven't yet, and will have to be, but I'm in a good spot with them). Other, unrelated short stories are also coming out, and that is a wonderful feeling. I've not lost my touch, though I am a little rusty, so I apologise if the standard is lower for a little while.
In case you forgot, here is the link to my short story archive, with disclaimers for the years I did minimal.
As for the rest:
The past 3 years have been rough. I left my husband, worked through the trauma of his abuse and control, am still working through it and especially through depression.
I lost my mother to MS a year ago, which wasn't unexpected but that didn't change how much it hurts. I'm proud to say that I spoke at her funeral, and I know I did her proud.
I also lost my emotional support hamster, Elk, a few months ago, and while you can argue that that loss doesn't compare, it also hurts, especially so soon after. This has left me feeling lost and far too close to Death's shadow. But we go on. And I'm fortunate that I have an incredible support network around me.
I'm also looking to move out from my little student room - it's not much, I'm tired of not having my own bathroom and feeling unwelcome in my own kitchen, but I can't deny that I'm grateful to have my own refuge without the hand of control over me. So while I have outgrown it, it remains important, safe, and mine. And that is invaluable.
Work is going well, I'm enjoying it enormously, and I'm lucky additionally to be working with such kind, compassionate, silly and authentic people.
Health remains a question, and sciatica challenges me daily, but, again, I get by.
I'm focusing on self-acceptance and the self-love that comes after that, and I think it's going better.
The horrors persist, but so do I. And they should be more scared of me.
0 comments:
Post a Comment
Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.